


As the Sky Darkens

by Annannanas



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: BAMF Lily Evans Potter, Dark, Death Eaters, Emotional Roller Coaster, F/M, Marauders' Era, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2018-12-15 02:43:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11796765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annannanas/pseuds/Annannanas
Summary: "Say Sev... Have you noticed... any changes this year?"In the beginning of her fifth year at Hogwarts, Lily Evans has a sense of dread for the upcoming year. A man called Lord Voldemort is gaining power and followers, mysterious missings and fatal, unexplainable accidents to Muggle borns are on the rise. This leaves Lily to make a decision that will alter the course of her life in an unexpected direction, all to keep the people she loves and cares for safe.





	1. The Clouds Pile Up at the Horizon

Chapter 1 - The Clouds Pile Up at the Horizon.

Lily Evans looked up to the sky as she, accompanied by her parents, made her way towards the King's Cross station. Her brown wool coat swayed as a breeze swept the street, carrying dust and the first fallen leaves of the autumn. She looked up to the sky — it bore a dark grey hue. A storm was coming. The clouds crammed up in a thousand shades of grey, the air was electric and the wind was picking up. She felt a knot in her stomach. She swallowed the gulp that was forming in her throat and followed her parents to the King's Cross station.

"Well, that's me then," she said faking up cheeriness as she turned to face her parents in front of the brick wall at Platform 9 3/4. A sense of dread grasped her. She had tried to brush off the feeling of paranoia the entire trip to London, but her it all came to nought. For some reason, she felt as if this parting with her parents was of more significance than in recent years. Like she wasn't going to see them again.

"Send us a letter once you've gotten settled in — won't you?" her mother said briskly. She stood tall beside her husband in a heavy, grey wool coat, her grey, grizzly, auburn hair woven in a tight braided knot at the back of her head. "Goodbye love, take good care of yourself."

They hugged. Lily wrapped her arms around her shorter mothers shoulders and squeezed tight. The lump in her throat wasn't getting any smaller. She cared so much for her parents. As a matter of a fact, she was scared for them. The little news she'd received in Cokeworth of strange accidents happening to Muggles and Muggle born wizards was enough to raise the hairs on the back of her neck. 

"Bye dad," she said as she hugged her father as well. His thinning red hair was messy after the breeze outside.

"Goodbye sweetheart," he said warmly.

Lily blinked away the tears that were gathering in the corners of her eyes, sucked in a breath and turned to face the sturdy wall who hid the ruby red train that would lead her to the Hogsmeade station. She drew in a deep breath and headed for the wall. From outside, she could hear the rolling of thunder and crackling lightning as she left the Muggle world and entered the wizarding one.

It was a couple weeks later and the professors had wasted no time in drowning the fifth years in a heavy workload. The first week had all gone under serious speeches about the importance of hard work and discipline since they had their O.W.Ls in June. Butterflies swarmed in Lily's stomach as she listened intently to the serious speeches. Studying had never been a problem for her. Partly because she was absolutely in love with the wizarding world. Even now, five years after the fateful letter had arrived at her home. Ever since those warm summer days, all those years ago, when she and Severus had spent long days in their secret meadow in Cokeworth. Those bright days of her youth had passed quickly as she filled the spaces of silence with relentless questions directed towards Severus.

Lily had also always been a hard working student in order to prove her worth in the wizarding world. She knew that she stood on an equal ground with the rest of her classmates, she was no less worth the kids that came from 'pure blooded' wizarding families. But deep down there was an insecurity, a nagging little demon, that whispered into her ear that she was a fake, she had no right to be here at Hogwarts. She descended from muggles, she was a... Even the word was so painful and filled with shame that she couldn't even think about it. 

So Lily Evans studied, she was at the top of her classes, she was the first to the library in the morning and the last one to leave in the evening, she raised her hand in classes, she always put her most effort into her studies. Partly she did it because of the pure fascination of the world, but also to prove a point. She had the right to take space. She could exist in this world. She was not a waste of space. She was a witch - a true witch.

But the fact remained that she had to fight for her right. Because despite her wonderful classmates who couldn't care less about her non-wizard heritage, there were a few students in school who weren't as open-minded. She'd been hexed in the hallways, nothing too serious, but hexes nonetheless. She'd been called slurs, never directly, she couldn't even point a finger at one certain culprit. But there was just the atmosphere, silently spoken words of hatred and prejudice and fear, and a few hateful stares in front of classrooms and in the hallways. And for some unwordable reason, she had a feeling of dread at the bottom of her stomach. It was a peculiar feeling mixed with the butterflies of excitement over being back at school and having challenging exams and assignments to work towards. 

She remembered looking up at the sky while driving to London on September 1st with her parents. She remembered how she had looked at the horizon and seeing the sky darken as the clouds there piled up on one another, squashed and pushing against each other, heavy with rain and promise of darker days. She couldn't pin point the feeling closer than that. 

It was like looking at a lopsided reality. Everything that came to her eyes' notice was the same as always but it was like looking through a filter that shone a new light on reality, giving it a strange hue. There was simply something wrong. There was some charge in the air. She had felt it in front of the Kings Cross train station as she watched the dried up leaves whirling through the street with the dust of the pavement. It was as if the breeze was warning her. There is something coming, and it's coming for you. Keep your head high and stay safe.

She must be getting mad.

These were her thoughts on a Thursday night. She was sitting in the far corner of the library close to the restricted section, it was a bit more reserved area. One couldn't quite say it was quieter than other parts of the library, for Madame Pince made sure that there was no excess of sound in her realm. 

Lily gently stroke the soft end of her quill along her lower lip as she pondered over her thoughts. Her books and a couple of scrolls of parchment were scattered on the table in front of her. She always bore more books in her bag than she needed and her loan list from the library was alarmingly long in the second week of the term. Lily Evans would not half-ass any assignment that came before her. But still, despite her resolve on tackling the studies with brilliance, her mind was far, far away that night, her potions essay in front of her as good as forgotten.

Beside her sat her oldest friend and the first person she knew from the wizarding world. He was hunched over his own essay, his shoulder length jet black hair covered his face on both sides like two curtains, a shelter from the cruel visage of the world and enveloped him in the world of his transfiguration essay. He was scribbling away in a tight, crooked and little script, quill flying relentlessly across the parchment.

"Sev?" she asked in an absentminded tone. He mumbled something unintelligible in response, the quick, squeaky sounds of his quill never ceasing. "Have you noticed... any changes this year?"

He still didn't look up. "Even more irritable teachers?"

She seemed abruptly dragged out of her out of her daydreams at the response. Blinking a couple of times, she looked over to him, voice quiet. "No, I don't mean... as in the teaching."

At this, her friend looked up from his essay at her. His dark eyes expressed closeness and a great deal of care for the person beside him, showing mild interest and patience. His dark brows were slightly furrowed as he said: "What do you mean then?"

She huffed and looked a bit anguished up in the air at nothing in particular, she bit her lip and drew her eyebrows together. "It's just... this sounds so silly, but... there's something in the... air." She paused looking over at her quiet friend, who waited for her to elaborate. "Like... how some of the older students talk, the teachers seem even more on edge now, _more_ than because of the tests, you know," she interjected quickly as she saw Severus starting to make a counter argument that that was probably because of the O.W.Ls now that they were in their fifth year. "Can't you feel it, Sev? And the news, the _news_! All those accidents and missing people. It ain't normal - it ain't right. It's like the air's charged with some... tension, like something is about to happen, like the lagoon's filling up faster and faster until the dam won't hold anymore and it'll burst." She had spoken so quickly she needed to regain her breath.

She looked in her friend's dark eyes. Hers flooded with feelings and anxiety. He took her rant all in stride as he pondered patiently over a response that he could give her.

"There are... definitely some changes," he said at last, choosing his words carefully. "But I don't think you need to worry too much about it."

A bit irritated at this curt response, Lily's worries didn't subside even a bit.

"And besides," Severus continued, with a little smile at the corners of his lips. "You still got that potions essay to worry about, less you want to fall out of the _slug club_."

He said the words with such attitude that Lily couldn't help but facing him, a smile tugging at her lips as well. It only widened as Severus mimicked the way Slughorn used to walk between the cauldrons of his students and ponder over the progress. "Oh, marvellous job Lily dear, just splendid. Oh, this love potion captures just right the aromas of crystallised pineapple, walrus pelts and arrogant social climbers from various parts of society that I used to teach and now benefit from knowing, quite splendid, yes, indeed!"

"Oh, Sev!" Lily scolded him as she punched his shoulder with her potions book. Despite the scolding, she couldn't hold her laughter. They looked from under each other's eyes at each other laughing quietly. Just then Madame Pinch rounded the corner, giving them a stiff look and shushing them. They immediately shut their mouths and poured once again over their essays. it wasn't long though until they both snorted again, trying to subdue their laughter as they looked sneakily at each other. Nothing but subdues smiles and witty glints in eyes.

Lily faced her essay but took a quick mischievous look at Severus. "Say Sev, what exactly is the role of Ashwinder eggs in the careful creation of _Felix Felicis_ , oh you wise potion master."

He grinned back at her and explained the subject of the essay for her.


	2. Lily's Desicion

Lily walked down the corridor on the seventh floor on her way from her Arithmancy class with her good friend and dorm mate, Marlene McKinnon. They were engrossed in a heated discussion about the extra essay that Professor Kvitt had assigned.

"Two rolls of parchment about that?! I swear he's out for us, just because Sirius bloody Black couldn't bother to pick any other day to throw a dungbomb on his desk. Could tell as soon as we sat down that Kvitt was in a bad mood," Marlene huffed irritably. Lily looked up at her friend. Marlene was athletically built, taller than Lily and had short, black, curly hair that curved around the nape of her neck. She was uncharacteristically irritated, black eyebrows furrowed together in a scowl and coal black eyes staring angrily ahead. Marlene was usually the reserved and shy type but this most recent penance that the whole class had to suffer because of Sirius Black, was really the last straw for Marlene. Lily had drawn the assumption since the beginning of term, that Marlene had developed a little crush on Black and her irritation was probably the result of her thoughts fighting dominance in her head, the part that saw Black as the dark-haired knight in white armour versus the agonized part that hated his briskness and impulsive nature, because detentions meant little as nothing for him and his mischievous actions usually recoiled on the whole class. To everybody's amusement and immense joy,  _of course._

It was nearing the end of September and this Monday noon was exceptionally warm. Not a cloud could be seen in the sky and the warm sun shone brightly above. This was most likely one the last warm aftershock of summer that would graze the grounds of Hogwarts. Temperatures getting low in the night and the chilly rain poured without a stop in the day. The air was filled with smells of the Forbidden Forrest. Earthy, heavy aromas covered the grounds on this beautiful day after the rain showers in the morning. The two friends were making their way through a crowd on the seventh floor to lunch. Lily thought longingly about the sunny, warm, inviting fields she had stared at while in class. Perhaps she and Marlene could go out and lick the sun for a bit before heading to Transfiguration after lunch. As much as she loved her classes, she really didn't want to be cooped up inside in this weather. It didn't help that they now had extra assignments to attend to, that mean even less time for sunbathing and more time inside the hot, stuffy common room trying to make their way through the mountain of homework they had ahead.

Lily clutched at her books on her chest and ground her teeth together. "I knew that this was going to be a hard year with the O.W.Ls and all to worry about, but those two rolls on top of everything else, on top of the usual homework he'd already assigned,  _and_  that homework in charms, my stunning spell is  _still_  downright awful plus those bloody meetings of Slughorn's and those particularly nasty potions he makes me brew for extra credits, sure I love potions and all that but this man goes on my finest nerves, I swear." 

"We're quite the positivity duo today, huh Lils," Marlene said dryly.

Lily only grunted back. Out of her eye, she saw Mary MacDonald, a fourth year Gryffindor, stop to raise and rest her foot on the foot of a statue quite further down the hallway. There was a group of students standing between them. Lily didn't pay it much mind and listened to Marlene go on about Black.

It wasn't until she noticed a tall, broad shouldered boy in front of her, whisper something into his thinner friend's ear, laughing, snickering and looking occasionally towards Mary. Then she noticed how Mary's pale, naked knee was inevitably in the boys' line of vision as she was tying her shoe laces. The weather was so hot out today, it made obvious sense not to wear heavy, thick clothing under their robes like they usually would in winter, but Lily's heart sped up as she quickly put two and two together. It'd be horrible if he'd use the spell that was causing quite the commotion in the student body these days and pull Mary up by her legs, robes falling over her head when she wore no trousers underneath in the warm autumn sun. Lily sprinted forward, past the boys. Just as the taller boy raised his want the incantation slipping through his lips,

"Levi-"

"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?" Lily quite positively shouted at the boy as she placed herself firmly between Mary and the pair of boys.

 _Mulciber and Avery, should've known,_  Lily thought with loathing as she stood tall and furious in the line of Mulciber's wand, whose owner stared dumbfounded and honestly quite pissed off at the prefect's interference.

"What do you want  _Mudblood_?" Avery sneered at her.

She willed her rage to simmer deep in her chest, she had to chose her words wisely and not act on her instinct. Her anger was like a dragon growling, picking itself up and preparing to strike at the slightest provocation. He grasped her wand tightly in her robes.

"I know what you nasty lot the plotting, I saw you and don't you dare call me that," she sneered, venom dripping with every word through her teeth. She turned to take Mary's arm before turning her head towards the Slytherin boys. "I'm a prefect and if I catch you pulling a nasty trick like that or calling  _anyone_ a Mudblood again, then I'm going straight to Professor Dumbledore. People like you disgust me."

Then she walked away with an arm slung around Mary's shaking form.

\---

It was Friday afternoon, the same week and Lily was furious. The long list of homework that needed to be tackled wasn't getting any smaller. Tomorrow the students could go enjoy the first trip to Hogsmeade and for the first time since Lily had permission to go visit the wizarding village - she was seriously thinking about skipping the trip to study instead. She also felt that her prefect duties were too time-consuming at the moment, making everything else she had to do much more stressful. She'd been exhilaratedwhen she got the badge, but now she felt the added weight of the title on top of the intense course load.

On top of  _all_  that, her period had started this morning. Her lower abdomen and back were aching painfully, she felt uncomfortable, her robes were scratchy and heavy, she was sweating and felt icky. All she really wanted was to go to the prefect's bathroom and take a nice, long, warm bath. Cleanse away all her problems and pause the world for a minute.

And furthermore, what did not help the situation the tiniest bit was her friend who was almost hanging on her sleeve as she stormed over castle courtyard. This seemed to be the case more often than not these days; she hurrying away, unable to look at him, and him chasing after her, probably confused over his friend's evasive behaviour. He was bothering her, honestly, everybody and everything bothered her today. She was just so, so tired. Of feeling so vulnerable. As if a slight change of breeze might blow her over. She was so tired of feeling so utterly useless. But then again that didn't matter. What did she matter in the grand context of things? One failed exam, one dropped class, one mistake in the grand context of so many other successful things. This problem was such a tiny, tiny speck in the entire universe. Who cared if she had to drop her class, she could always take it next year, or drop it entirely.

And although she wasn't keen on admitting it, she was a bit jealous. And pissed off. And angry. And disappointed. Why was he hanging around her when he had  _them_.

Why on Earth did he have to hang around those people?

"Are you going to Hogsmeade tomorrow?" he asked.

"No, as a matter of a fact I was planning on staying in and get some work done. Can't ever do anything when there's literally no peace around," she snapped, giving him a pointed look. "Besides, can't you just go with your  _friends_? Your  _friends_  that you seem to like so much and get so well along with?"

His eyebrows furrowed in utter confusion. "But I thought we were friends Lily, best friends even?"

"We are, Sev, but I don't like some of the people you're hanging around with! I'm sorry, but I detest Avery and Mulciber! Mulciber! What do you see in him, Sev? He's creepy! Do you even know what he tried to do to Mary Macdonald the other day?" Lily turned around and had her back against a pillar at the edge of the courtyard. It was starting to rain and most people had sought shelter inside the castle, which left Severus and Lily to have their privacy out in the courtyard.

She saw conflicting emotions swirl in his dark eyes.

"That was nothing," he replied, dismissive but still with an edge in his voice. "It was a laugh, that's all–"

Lily saw red. "It was Dark Magic and you know it, Severus." How  _could_  he defend something like that?

"What about the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?" Severus snapped back, colour rising in his cheeks. The emotions in his eye took a strong turn for pure hatred.

 _Oh, so we're taking this turn in the conversation, are we?_ she thought.

"What's Potter got to do with this?" she hissed, squinting her eyes.

"They sneak out at night. There's something weird about that Lupin. Where does he keep going?" Severus spoke through ground teeth, dark eyes sweeping the grounds below them.

"He's ill. They say he's ill–" Lily tried.

"Every month at the full moon?"

"I know your theory," she told him, coldly. "Why are you so obsessed with them, anyway? Why do you care what they're doing at night?"

"I'm just trying to show you they're not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are."

The blow of the words, the intense emotions in his eyes, his conviction, his unwavering dark gaze made Lily blush. This was different from their usual bickering. It had an edge, a before unknown depth, a layer that had been hidden under unspoken words and reserved behaviour. That layer was now right in front of Lily's eyes and she had no idea what to do with it. The intensity of their argument had brought their faces closer together. His taller frame looming over hers, black strands of hair falling on his cheekbones, sticking to the skin in the drizzle of rain, as she pressed her back into the weathered pillar.

She swallowed and said in a low voice: "You think I don't know that? You think I don't think them to be arrogant dunderheads who are an annoyance to everybody in the same room as them? But they don't use dark magic, Sev. I really don't like it."

The dark pool in Severus' eyes had softened but there was something deep, deep down that hardened at her last words. A part of him that was tightly packed and secluded in the depths of his mind, safe from prying eyes and unfriendly minds. Though not as bad as before, she could see him close up in front of her eyes. But still... this felt almost worse.

A sudden wolf whistle shocked them and broke the thick tension that had built between them. Severus straightened up and shot a group of seventh year Ravenclaws a dirty look as they walked laughing past them.

Lily sighed, she hadn't noticed that she'd held her breath for a while. She cleared her throat and moved from the pillar. Grabbing Severus' arm she dragged him with her towards the castle.

"Come, I need your help with potions again," she said with a neutral tone.

And that was that.

\---

It was nearing the end of November, Lily was walking hastily towards the Gryffindor tower after having finished her regular prefect duties for the night by walking the halls. She rounded the corner and walked into the open corridor on the West side of the castle. It had narrow, sparse columns on its left side, giving a view of a small courtyard with a petite fountain in the middle, and beyond that, there were the wide fields of Hogwarts, greenhouses, Hagrid's hut, and the Forbidden Forrest. She absentmindedly glanced at the small courtyard to abruptly stop in her tracks.

There stood a group of students gathered around a pair. It was a boy who pointed his wand at a girl whose back was against the wide columns of the garden. Lily recognized the tall, lanky, dark haired girl immediately. Mary MacDonald. Her usually pale face was now ashen white, blue eyes wide in terror. Before her stood a taller boy, from the colours of his robe Lily guess he was a Slytherin.

 _That's it_ , she thought. She saw red. Her blood was boiling in her veins, she gritted her teeth and wanted to hit something - somebody. Mary MacDonald was Muggle born like herself, and it didn't take much for Lily to put two and two together when she saw the Slytherin boy pointing his wand at the girl.

"What's going on here?" she shouted loudly over the group, heads turning in bewilderment as they saw the Gryffindor come storming over the garden, red hair flaming behind her as she ran to the crowd. "I'm a prefect, let me through!"

She made her way to stand in front of Mary, wand raised. Mulciber. He was quite taller than her, probably stronger and definitely heavier too. His face was pointed with high and sharp cheekbones and had thick eyebrows sinking over his clear hazel eyes. His mouth was curved in a snarl.

"I've warned you before Mulciber, stop this immediately, I won't stand this!"

"Or what? Not like you can take points from me."

"Oh, don't worry about it - I'll take so much more than meagre points from you and your little insecure friends." She nodded her head towards the group of Slytherin boys behind him, who were all glaring  with hateful eyes at her

"Is that a treat, Evans?" Mulciber advanced on her, wand raised and eyes widening threateningly.

She raised her wand in turn. Instead of fear, she felt an eerie calm wash over her. She became more focused, conscious of her steady breath, her heart beating fast and loud in her chest but her wand steadily held in front of her. "Might be," she said coldly.

Suddenly there was a commotion in the group of students behind Mulciber and Lily saw her friend, Severus come dashing forwards. He stopped at Mulciber's shoulder, gripping it, eyes flicking between Lily and Mulciber's wand.

"Leave it, Matthew," Severus said in a low voice. "It's not worth it."

"It's time someone gave that filthy, little Mudblood a lesson on to respect your superiors," Mulciber said through gritted teeth. He seemed genuinely pissed off by Lily's appearance and interference.

"Matthew,  _think_. She's a prefect and if she goes to McGonagall or Dumbledore even, then that'll mean a whole lot more trouble rather than if you just  _drop_  it." Severus' grip on Mulciber's shoulder seemed to tighten, his knuckles turning white. "We've lost enough  _points_  as it is." Something in his voice made Mulciber lower his wand and look at Severus. Some unspoken communication seemed to pass between them as Severus gave him a knowing look, raising his eyebrows, that made Mulciber change his mind.

"True," he turned his head to look at Lily again, who gazed at them confused. "It won't be long until we get out of this school and the true rules of the world will take effect." The corner of his lip curled up in an arrogant sneer. Lily liked neither the tone of his voice or the glint in his eyes. Whatever Severus had suggested or instigated through the eye contact, Lily felt it had only made matters worse. The primal sort of fear rose again up in her chest. The fear of losing her place in Hogwarts, that she wasn't welcome, that she was unworthy.

She cast a confused look at Severus who looked pleadingly back at her,  _I'll tell you later._  Then he turned around with Mulciber as they joined the rest of the Slytherin group and walked back to the castle. Severus walking alongside Matthew Mulciber, Alexander Avery, Bartemius Crouch, Evan Rosier, Rabastan Lestrange, young Regulus Black, Augustus Rockwood and Antonin Dolohov.

Lily took a deep breath as she watched her dear childhood friend walk away with his group. She ignored the turmoil of confused emotions in her chest and stomach. She felt a lump growing in her throat and forced the tears back as she turned to face Mary.

Lily didn't say anything but walked forward and took the shaking fourth year in her arms in a warm embrace. Mary hugged her back, sighing into Lily's red hair.

They stayed that way for a while, heartbeats and lumps subsiding for a strange calm. Lily patted Mary gently on her back and said, "Come, let's go to Professor McGonagall, she'll know how to sort this out."

She felt Mary nod in the crook of her neck. Lily pulled back, hands on Mary's upper arms, looking the younger girl in the eye and smiling slightly. One always felt lighthearted after such emotional roller coaster.

Then they walked up to Professor McGonagall's office in the Gryffindor Tower.

They heard a muffled "come in," after Lily had knocked three times on the thick, stealthy wood door. The office was darkly lit by a couple of floating candles floating above McGonagall's desk. The shadows danced on the walls, it was dead quiet and Lily could see the dark blue hue looming over the grounds outside. Night was falling sooner and quicker every evening this late in November. It would be pitch dark outside soon.

Professor McGonagall sat at her desk, grading essays. Her stern face grazing a few lines around her lips and between her eyebrows, from constantly holding a stern look. She looked at the two girls over her glasses as they walked in, pearl black eyes gleaming in the sparse candlelight. She put down her quill and folding her fingers on top of the pile of parchment in front of her as she said, "Good evening ladies, to what do I owe the pleasure for this late visit?"

Seeing Mary hesitate, Lily started telling McGonagall about the situation she had walked onto earlier, she continued by saying that this wasn't the first time she'd seen a scene like this either. She told the head of house about the incident a few weeks ago in the hallway when Mary was tying her shoe laces. She finished the report by describing, though rather uncomfortable doing so, what Severus had told Mulciber that made latter back down and smirk.

McGonagall listened to her with an occasional crease between her eyebrows. After Lily had finished, McGonagall took a moment to ponder over what Lily had just told her, elbows resting on her packed desk, hands raised and fingers clasped under her chin, her gaze was so intense that Lily had a quick thought that she'd eventually burn a hole into her desk. Eventually, McGonagall raised her head from her hands and looked Mary in the eye. "And this is not a singular incident? Similar things have happened before?"

Mary nodded, calmer than when they had entered the office. She cleared her throat and said in her delicate, soft voice: "But not just me Professor, these things have also happened to other students... like me..." she trailed off.

"Muggle born, you mean?" McGonagall finished for her, dryly. 

Mary only nodded.

McGonagall turned her eyes towards Lily. "Have you any incidents like these happen to yourself, Miss Evans?"

Lily thought about her answer for a bit before answering, "Not directly, Professor. I've heard some whispers and well... slurs in the hallway but nothing I can pinpoint to one person or group, Professor."

"But you suspect that this particular group of Slytherins is responsible?" she asked, her gaze intense.

Lily hesitated for a bit but then she nodded. "But not all, Severus is a good friend of mine and he's never done anything like that."

McGonagall sighed and Lily saw from the corner of her eye that Mary gave her a nasty look for defending him, even here when they were reporting the vile behaviours of his group of friends. "That may well be true, and according to what you tell me, Mr Snape prevented a nasty exchange of spells that are most likely to have followed, between you and Mr Mulciber. But that still doesn't change the fact that he might have been an accessory in many instances like this. Not interfering when you see something morally wrong taking place like in this case, is almost just as bad as being the prime offender." She paused for a second, clearly thinking something over. "I'd like for you to stay a bit longer Miss MacDonald, I'd like to ask you a couple of further questions. As for you Miss Evans, I'd like you to report what you just told me to Professor Dumbledore. He should be in his office and the password is 'liquorice strands'. I take it that you know the way to his office." She raised her eyebrows and looked at Lily over her square glasses.

"Yes, Professor."

"Very well then, off you go," she dismissed her.

Lily turned to go and as she was closing the heavy door behind her, she heard Professor McGonagall's voice say exasperatedly. "Well Mary, I don't -" But she didn't want to eavesdrop so she hastily made her way to Professor Dumbledore's office.

The click of the heel of her shoe echoed in the deserted hallways. Lily had frequently walked the hallways alone during her regular prefect duties, but she was unsettled by something tonight. The shadows seemed to move and she gave a great start when one of the paintings yawned beside her as she was descending from Gryffindor tower. The wizard in the painting and Lily looked confused and bewildered at each other for a moment, both startled by her shout of shock. Lily blushed furiously and hurried down the staircase.

Was it because she felt like her worries in the beginning of term were starting to come to reality? Was that the reason for her restlessness? It was as if there was something in the air. The nasty group of Slytherins seemed to notice it and were somehow egged on by it; restless and more daring than ever in expressing their prejudice against Muggle borns and 'blood traitors'. It's like they were impatient for something. Acting without thinking, without restraint. Like a basket of snakes, curling and twirling around each other, unpredictable and hungry. The thought about the metaphor sent a cold shiver down her spine.

She was hyper sensitive to the tiniest movements as she made her way to the headmaster's office. Walking so fast she almost skipped with every step. The feeling of paranoia undeniable now. She was so scared, deep down in her core. She was scared about the unknown future and what it held. She was unsettled by today's events, Mulciber's knowing look, and Sev's quiet plea. She didn't know the whole truth, like she was missing the point of some great joke like she was fumbling in the darkness - not knowing what lay ahead and could any moment now be swallowed by a great beast hiding in the dark. It seemed like the Slytherins had a scheme going on, a plan of sorts, and that Severus was a part of it. Whatever that was... Lily didn't want to know. 

The missings reported in the newspapers, the anxious laden letters her classmates received from home, words of caution, the tense teachers, and the students discussing whether they were going home over the holidays because of the situation. That's what the students called it, the  _situation_. 

These were her thoughts as she said the password to the golden gargoyle in front of the headmaster's office, walked up the stairs and knocked politely.

"Enter," said the headmaster's deep voice from inside. When Lily entered the room she saw Professor Dumbledore leaning over a great pile of letters scattered on his desk, the Daily Prophet open beside it. He looked up at her, blue eyes twinkling behind half moon spectacles as his face lit up when he saw her.

"Ah, Lily dear, what can I do for you at this late hour?"

Lily walked into the office and took a seat in front of the headmaster. She'd come here occasionally before with the other prefects giving reports and receiving instructions. She respected the older man in front of her immensely.

"Professor McGonagall sent me to you... you see, something came up."

"Oh, I see," he said in the same light voice, but Lily thought she could detect a little strain, a hint of a more serious tone underneath. "And would you care to tell me what this 'something' is?"

Then she told him everything she'd just finished telling Professor McGonagall. From the shoe lace tying incident to Severus discouraging Mulciber from attacking her. As she spoke Professor Dumbledore grew more and more solemn, resting his chin on his laced fingers, gazing at her over his spectacles.

After she'd finished she felt rather drained. She'd relived this past event far too often now for her liking. She slumped a little in her seat. Dumbledore seemed to notice that.

"I understand that these events must've been a strain for you, given the long friendship you've had with Mr Snape," he said kindly.

Although a little confused what Sev had to do with the grand context of things, she still nodded.

"Tell me, Miss Evans," Dumbledore stood up and started pacing his office, Lily turning her head to see him. "Do you feel that Mr Snape has a close relationship with his house mates, particularly that specific group of students?"

Lily frowned a little. "Too much for my liking at least," realizing that that hadn't quite answered his question, she elaborated. "They seem to be on quite good terms at least, he's usually around them if he isn't alone or with me."

Dumbledore nodded and pondered over this. Fingers stroking his chin and beard in contemplation. "I understand... you see, miss Evans, I might have a job for you... and Mr Snape as well if my calculations line up." Before she could question him about this, he continued. "Have you heard about the Order of the Phoenix, Miss Evans?"

It was starting to rain outside, it slammed the window against, like a person almost, flinging itself at the glass. Lily dismissed the thought and furrowed her brows in confusion, trying to remember but coming up with nothing. "No, sir?"

He chuckled a little. "Then I'm glad, you see, it's a secret society. I founded it myself. Its primary goal is to challenge Voldemort and hopefully, eventually, bring him and his followers to their knees."

She stared, not knowing what to say. It was too late in the evening and so much had happened in the last few hours for her to fully focus and process the information properly. "What do you mean by ... a job?"

He smiled kindly, blue eyes sparkling. "Well, we've been struggling with numbers, there are too few of us and too many of them. And judging by what you're telling me you've witnessed this semester, I'd say we are to expect their numbers to grow even greater in a few years time."

Lily's heart sank down to the bottom of her feet at what he was suggesting. She knew what those kids were, who their parents were and what they aspired to be. But to be faced with the truth like that and from Dumbledore himself. To think that she shared classes with Death Eaters... that Sev was to become... She'd suspected it for a while. Frustrated at how he could throw his potential and life away to people like that, that those people were polluting her Severus, her friend that used to tell her fairy tale-like stories of the magical world that she lived in now. That he actually agreed with their prejudice... She felt sick, this was too much.

Dumbledore seemed to notice her discomfort for he continued. "But luckily, there is hope. The Order exists for this single purpose, to fight the oppressive, brutal dictatorship that Voldemort is striving towards. And we need people, Miss Evans, we need  _people_." Lily flinched a bit from his choice of words describing Voldemort's intentions. Her heart skipped a beat as she thought about Sev. Dumbledore stared at her eyes intensely. She eventually nodded, his eyes never wavering. She felt almost naked under his gaze like he saw every single thought that went through her mind.

"I understand that you hold your friendship with Mr Snape very dear, am I correct?"

She nodded again.

"And am I also correct in assuming that he cherishes his friendship with you also very dear?"

She hesitated. "I- I don't really know... but... I-I think so?" Wondering if this was the right answer he was looking for, she looked up at him. 

He smiled back but was soon very serious again. "Yes, we need people. We also need people who can blend in, be a fly on a wall, who are flexible and quick thinkers. You have taken your prefect duties to heart, according to what Professor McGonagall has told me. We need  _brave_  people, Miss Evans. We need talented people who  _care_."

Lily's thoughts shut down, she felt how silent the office suddenly was, she could no longer hear the rain but only a loud, rhythmic beat, like large waves meeting shore. It was her own heartbeat. Her breathing shivered.

Dumbledore looked her straight in the eye. "Do you want to join us and aid our efforts, Miss Evans?"

One, two minutes must've passed where she just stared at him, not able to utter one coherent word. She didn't believe this. Dumbledore didn't let the silence get to him but waited, and waited.

It wasn't one thought, it wasn't even a formed sentence, that went through her mind. It was rather a rush of feelings, of collected memories and emotions. She thought of her parents, with all their faults and virtues, and their inexhaustible love and care. She thought of all her friends at Hogwarts, Muggle born, pure blood and half blood. All her friends, smiling faces erupting from her stream of thought. Hers and Marlene's first night in their dormitory, how anxious, scared they had been but also so incredibly giddy and happy that they were at Hogwarts, they had chatted far into the night before drifting into a sweet, sweet slumber filled with joyful dreams about the future. All roads were open for them then. She thought about her first class with the Marauders, she'd never been as irritated and pissed off in her entire life at how much disturbance a few boys could be the cause of. She remembered seeing Sirius getting a howler from home, at the breakfast table on their first morning - all because he was sorted into Gryffindor. His mother's voice echoing through the entire hall, making every single head turn. He'd laughed it off afterwards, but it didn't change the fact that his handsome, pale face was red up to the roots of his hair and his eyes strangely glazed. She remembered stumbling upon Remus Lupin in the third year. She'd been studying till late in the library, when she walked into Remus as he was slumped against a wall, many floors below the Gryffindor common room. He said he was coming from the infirmary and that he really was alright. Lily still argued that he should go see Madam Pomfrey, but when he absolutely insisted that he didn't need Madam Pomfrey, Lily put his arm around her shoulders and helped him up to the common room, still a bit irritated that he didn't want to receive any professional help, but didn't press the matter further. From that day Remus Lupin and Lily had been dear friends. And she remembered Sev, those innocent moments before Hogwarts, his intense focus as they studied for exams together, his rare laughter that she only heard in the flower covered fields of Cokeworth. She didn't think about Death Eaters or about the ominous future or Voldemort, about prejudice or blood. She only thought of love. Love, friendship, and joy.

So she said, with a firm but quiet voice: "Yes."

When she looked up at the headmaster, he was sporting a wide, relieved but most of all, a kind and gentle smile.

And then Lily Evans truly felt that she'd made the right choice of no longer remaining an idle observer in the events and unfolding of the world, but to take action and fall down deeper into the rabbit's hole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I really hoped you liked it! :)


	3. Together and Separate

While following his friends down to the Slytherin common room, Severus excused himself saying that he forgot his textbooks in the classroom where he'd been studying before rushed over to the courtyard. His housemates believed the lie easily and didn't pay it much mind actually. Severus walked hastily, almost ran, immediately to Gryffindor tower. There he walked into Mary MacDonald who was coming out of Professor McGonagall's office. Her face darkened as soon as she saw him. 

"Where's Lily?" he asked breathlessly, although rather shy talking to this girl he'd never talked to before.

She frowned, turning slightly away from him, defensive and suspicious. "Why should I tell you?"

"Lily's my friend," he said coldly, gazing intently and brooding over the younger girl. 

She didn't say anything. And if anything, her mouth only seemed to curl tighter into her frown.

Severus sighed irritably and rushed past her, knocking her with his shoulder as he stormed past. He had to talk to her, maybe he could wait outside the common room. 

But before he could dwell any further on his thoughts, he heard Mary call, voice firm and more confident than he'd ever heard it. "Professor McGonagall sent her to tell Professor Dumbledore what happened." Severus turned to look at her. She stared directly into his eyes, some strange confirmation and resolve decided in her eyes. "He'll put an end to that nasty teasing and bullying of yours." Severus started down the hall, towards the headmaster's office. As he walked past Mary for the second time, she said. "You're not going to catch her in time you know, she's probably already told him everything, so you can't trick her into keeping quiet about this." The distaste in her tone was obvious.

Severus returned the hateful gaze of hers. "That wasn't my intention at all." And with that he stormed down the hallway, heart beating fast in his chest, conflicted. 

On one hand he was relieved that Lily had gone to Dumbledore, but on the other hand, he was rather nervous about the consequences of his Slytherin friends actions.

He waited for her in the hallway of the headmaster's office. Later he heard a light clicking of shoes approaching him. He advanced from the shadows of the statue where he'd been waiting (and honestly hiding in case a prefect or a teacher walked past) and lightly grabbed her sleeve, "Lily."

Lily took a sharp intake of breath and yelped a little, turned on the spot, wand raised and eyes wide open. It seemed to take her a while to process the information in front of her. Take in Severus, who stared shocked at her back. "Lily," he said weakly, "It's me."

She sighed, having relaxed a little but with a strange glint in her eyes. Betrayal, disappointment, not trusting. 

"Why do you keep around them, Sev?" she asked in a sad voice. Severus' heart sank to his feet. "Why are you friends with people like that Sev?"

Her gaze was really intense. He couldn't reply, his word caught in his throat. 

"Answer me!" she said through gritted teeth, little droplets forming in the crooks of her eyes.

"They're my housemates..." he started weakly. "It-It's complicated Lils."

"I'm all ears." She pressed her lips tightly together as if to keep more words from flowing. Her gaze reserved now, shy, looking up at him.

"You can't be an outsider in Slytherin, plus they like my ideas, they respect me..." his argument was weak, he was really tired. Tired of arguing with Lily knowing the faults of his group of friends, the dislike on their action, but also his conflicting emotions about Muggles, a bitter evil seed that his father planted and nurtured throughout his childhood. But still, even with all his hatred towards certain habits and quirks of the Muggle borns, he couldn't deny that he disliked the actions of his fellow Slytherins. It plagued him recently, Lily's face always erupting in his mind. It was honestly a question of how far he was willing to go. He knew of the Dark Lord's actions, what you had to do in order to get into this company and how his stained heritage was going to be a hurdle. 

Lily was really angry. "You're a  _coward_ Severus Snape and you bloody well know it."

"They're my  _housemates_  Lily, I can't exactly stop being around them. And you have no right burying your nose into my affairs and whom I hang out with. They're no worse than the lot in your house. Whenever someone from Slytherin uses the Levicorpus or any other silly spell, you immediately assume that they're evil. But when Potter and his fucks of friends use them, it's just for fun. They're no better than Mulciber and Avery and you know it, Lily."

Lily had stilled. Hurt shone in her eyes. She seemed frustrated as she bit her teeth together and furrowed her eyebrows. Angry as well. But first and foremost she was hurt. Like she was realising that this was a lost battle. And it hurt Severus. It hurt him to see his best friend wearing an expression like that. To look at him with a look of utter and pure betrayal painted across her features. It frustrated him that they couldn't reach common ground. That he couldn't make her understand. It angered him that she was wrong. It stung him that she couldn't see the truth, see what he saw. That she was so  _corrupted_  by Gryffindor morals to see the whole truth. It hurt him that she insulted his friends, called them evil when her housemates were no better. It hurt him that she had such immense double standards to his housemates as opposite to hers, and it infuriated him that she was blind to that double standard. 

But what hurt him the most, was the fact that the gap between Lily and him had never been greater or more impassable. It saddened him a great deal as he realized that the Lily that was looking up at him with broken eyes was not the same girl that he'd met on the playground when they were nine. This wasn't the same girl. She wasn't his. His only friend. He wasn't her only gateway into the magical world, her mentor, her superior. She'd respected him, listened to him, challenged him. He'd been her library of knowledge to this strange world. He felt worthy. He felt useful and meaningful. He felt as if he was hers and she was his. 

The Lily that stood before him was no longer his girl. She'd been sorted into the house that had long been the nemesis of his own, along with a group of boys that had been his nemesis since they first met. She'd gotten to know the world and no longer needed him. She'd realized that there was more to the world than him. She no longer needed him. What he'd shown her was just a glimpse back in Cokeworth. Something from his side. That clearly meant nothing to her anymore. She hung around other people more than him. They fought more than they talked. 

What had been a great friendship and companionship back in Cokeworth, where she'd looked at him with eyes glazed with curiosity, not tears, was no longer. She'd grown up from that childish innocence and curiosity, she'd found out that there were much more interesting people in the Wizarding world than Severus. What had been so golden and private, had become murky and complicated and intolerably public in Hogwarts. Of course, Severus wanted the best for her, but he couldn't help feeling hurt when he saw her sit beside her Gryffindor girlfriends rather than him. Like she'd discovered that the grass was greener on the other side and realized that Severus was just the fickle, dry, yellowed bad grass that she'd first known and adored because it was new and exciting. 

Well, not so exciting anymore. 

They had, he had struggled to keep their friendship alive in Hogwarts, despite their differences growing more pronounced by the day. But now Severus felt defeated. He felt heartbroken. He cared so much for his friend. It hurt so bad to see a stranger.

He bowed his head, to fill in the silence and the truth that rang in his ears like an insistent bell, a red blood spill across a white canvas, he quietly he asked: "So what did Dumbledore say?"

Lily backed to rest her back against the wall opposite of him and slid down. Drawing her knees up to her chest, her eyes stared into the distance. He quietly sat beside her.

After a beat, she said: "I'm tired. Of letting fear control and steer my life. To live every step of my life with a knot of anxiety in my stomach. It makes me second guess every single decision of my life, of what if what I'm doing is right or wrong, if something catastrophic will happen if I do this or that. There's always a chance that something will go wrong, always Sev. But I'm not willing to give up my life to live in the shadows as a speculator simply because I'm afraid. Bad things always have a slight chance of happening. But I'll not just stand there watching. I'll fight and do everything that I possibly can to do right, to help the world and protect those that I love. For I cannot live with myself not knowing that I did everything in my absolute greatest power to help. To help the people I love, to give. To give the world a bit more love. It's not like it doesn't need it," she finished in a low voice.

Silence hung for a little moment. "Lily," Severus said with a shaky voice. "Lily, look at me." She raised her eyes to meet his dark ones, finding them full to the brim of unsaid emotion and undoubtedly affection. It was if the walls collapsed. The gap between them vanishing if only for a moment, and just then, in that breath, they were just them. Just Lily and Severus. No Marauders, no house rivalry, no shady housemates, no jealousy, no nothing. It was as if they were back at their spot by the river in Cokeworth, where they could tell each other everything about anything. They always got honest responses or reactions from one another. Because that's how much they trusted each other, they felt comfortable to talk their heart, and they knew each other so well. They didn't need to hide or look over their shoulders in constant fear or a threat. 

Severus felt as if his heart was about to tear in two. Longing and yearning, hurt and care rushed through his chest. He reached out his arms, without a word she did the same and they hugged. He drew her into a crushing embrace in his arms. The angle was awkward but Lily still clung onto him, tears flowing. 

"I miss you, Sev."

"Me too," he said, face buried in her red hair, inhaling the scent deep into his lungs. He urged his body to portray that he understood and that she could trust him. That he could always be there for her. He put all his emotions into the embrace. He needed his best friend back. He needed her. It was selfish really because he didn't know if his feelings were reciprocated if she had any want at all to still want to remain his friend. But he couldn't ignore his longing, he didn't want to lose her. He really was selfish...

"I'm going to help Dumbledore, Sev," Lily said in a low voice, muffled by his wool-clad shoulder. "I can't tell you more but the headmaster asked me to tell you that he'd like to see you in his office tomorrow night." She pulled away eyes glazed but honest. She was taking a risk now, throwing the ball at him, it all depended on his reaction.

Understanding the double meaning of the words, the gravity of the situation about their relationship, he could only swallow and nod - looking down on his knees. 

"Oh, Sev," she sighed and pulled him against her again. "But I want to talk with you, tomorrow. There are just too many things that I want to get rid off. I want to breathe again. Tomorrow."

He nodded slightly. "Tomorrow."

Severus would remember this embrace as they marked certain crossroads in his life. This was the last time where he had conflicting sides and intentions. Dumbledore or the Dark Lord? He would no longer stay idle, no matter which side he remained on, he'd no longer be the coward he was too. as he held her close to him. It was the first time that he was confronted with his feelings towards his friend, he realized that they weren't entirely platonic, holding her was nice and warmth spread through his chest. He wanted to hold her, to take care of her. There was no denying that his feelings were romantic. And he'd do everything in his power to cherish and protect the girl in his arms.

\---

They'd agreed to meet outside by the lake next day. It was Saturday so they had the whole day.

It had really started as a few unconscious glimpses that escalated like a snowball rolling down a hill before Lily could wrap her mind around it. A flicker of the eye here and there. She couldn't pinpoint it. When, or even what it was that made the shift. But when she slowly came to the realization of the shift in her feelings, the truth came like a heavy weight upon her shoulders. A heavy truth, more unbearable than anything else. She felt uncomfortable under it. She couldn't escape it. She felt embarrassed honestly, she didn't know what to make of her feelings. If they were just a momentary thoughts and ponderings over certain things or if they had some real emotional and psychological core in her subconsciousness. 

She'd somewhere along the way when the snowball was rolling, that Severus was becoming a man. She glanced over Severus' face, he had a dark stubble on his chin and over his upper lip. Just a few hairs really, way too soon to call it a beard. She wondered if he could grow a beard, how he shaved when and how his face would look like with a beard. There were these little changes. He's maturing. His voice had dropped over the summer, surprising everyone with his new rich baritone timbre. She liked his newly developed voice. Her eyes lingered over his Adam's apple. Something about it intrigued her. He swallowed and she watched bob up and down. Her mouth closed and her breather got shallower in every heartbeat.

"Lily?"

She looked up into his dim, almond-shaped eyes. They were so dark, almost black. So deep. Lily felt naked under his gaze as if he could see everything. Like he could see right into her soul. Like he could see through the layers upon layers that her persona donned during the day, the cheery, sociable, friendly, good girl Lily Evans. As if he could see her just as she was. She fought the urge to shy away.

His deep voice was gentle. "What is it?"

Her eyes flickered for a moment down to his lips. They were thin and not drawn into their usual scowl. They still bore tension but were a bit parted. Just a bit.

A howl in the distance shattered the spell Lily was under. She rearranged herself where she sat and cleared her throat. "Nothing".

"Lily, what's wrong? I can tell there's something bothering you."

She glanced into her lap. "No,  _really_  it's nothing."

He scowled and huffed an irritated "Alright."

They sat for a bit, neither saying anything. Neither daring to go into the battlefield that they knew that this conversation was destined to be. Almost like every other conversation they held these days. It was wearing her down. She didn't want to fight. Not anymore. She was tired.

"Sev," her voice was barely more than a whisper, a breeze through the grass. She still noticed how his attention was at her as she spoke his name. He always seemed to do that. "I'm tired of this fighting. It's not us. It isn't. Despite all our differences, no  _don't_  deny it... despite all that... these, all these arguments... they're not  _us_." She looked up at him, he had a strange light in his eyes. His persona was withdrawn, he was shying away from her. His face was unreadable. She hated when he did that. "Don't you agree?"

He swallowed, obviously contemplating his words carefully. When he spoke his voice trembled just a bit. "Lily, no matter whatever stupid thing I, or you for that matter, no let me finish. Whatever passes between us, I want you to know that you're my best friend. And honestly, you're my only friend. There's no one like you Lils. Never was, never will be."

Lily felt a lump in her throat. Her breath caught in her throat. Her voice wavered more than his. "You're also my best friend, Sev." She laughed dryly. "Always has been and always will be." 

He smiled sweetly at her at those words. She loved that smile. When his reserved demeanour melted away to show his true, sweet and honestly utterly goofy self. He could be so goofy. She remembered their summer days in Cokeworth. When they met at the meadow. How utterly excited Sev could get over certain things, his face would light up, his eyebrows would rise up and his eyes widen, sparkling with interest about the world, about life. He could be so goofy. Making impressions of people with startling resemblance. He could be so awkward. Standing aloof in a group, when he met her parents. He never knew how to behave or what to say he had confided in her. He was never like that with her. Between them, words flowed freely, sometimes a little bit too freely. That brought her mind back to the matter at hand.

"So... neither of us want this bickering," she started hesitantly. "Would you then please consider my worries and not meddle in that Dark Art stuff."

She could see his guard rise up before her eyes. Her throat constricted. She rushed forward, closing the space between them to grasp at his pale, cold hands that sat holding each other tightly in his lap. They were so cold. 

She looked up at him, pleading. It hurt a bit. Lily Evans didn't plead, she didn't beg. Her pride wouldn't let it. But she was desperate. She wanted her friend back. "Please Severus, for me, please don't do it."

There was conflict, fighting sides in the deep, dark corners of his eyes. After what seemed like an eternity, he slowly said: "I'll talk to Professor Dumbledore."

She sighed heavily like she had held the entire world upon her shoulders, finding the weight lift off of her. She let her body fall forwards and rested her forehead on Severus' black-clad, skinny shoulder. "Thank you." 

She didn't realize the words left her. All she felt was a relief. It was all she needed to hear. She still had her friend. That's all that mattered.

\---

Later that evening Severus made his way towards the Headmasters' office. Lily had given him the password earlier by the lake. 

"Lemon sorbet," he said hesitantly, not believing that this was actually the password. But by Merlin's beard, that gargoyle started moving. As he knocked on the door above, a hushed "Enter" sounded from the other side of the thick, large wooden door.

The office was large and filled with various gadgets and tools. The noises from them filling the warm room. Behind his desk sat Dumbledore. Eyes twinkling behind the half-moon spectacles. His hands clasped in front of him on the desktop.

"Ah, Severus, I was expecting you. I'm assuming little Miss Evans carried out the message from me."

Severus nodded without speaking.

Dumbledore only smiled back. "Please, be seated. Candy?"

Severus was wary. He had never trusted Dumbledore. It was as if he knew too much. Like he could see through him. He shook his head. 

He waited for Dumbledore to address the matter at hand. 

The old man in front of him sighed a little and put the bowl of wrapped colourful candies back on the table. He intertwined his fingers in front of him and looked up at Severus.

"The matters which I need to discuss with you Mr Snape are unfortunately of a rather serious nature. You see, you are in a valuable position within this school and I'd like you to further your connections with your Slytherin classmates."

The words hung in the air. Severus didn't quite grasp them yet, but once they registered something seemed to boil within him. After all the things he and Lily had been through, all the fighting which had ended in him finally relented and promised to distance himself from his group of friends for the girl he so dearly cared about.

Color rose in his cheeks as Dumbledore's request became more and more clear to him."But Lily-"

"I'm afraid Miss Evans has little to say in this matter," Dumbledore's voice darkened. Seeing the startled look on Severus' pale face, whites of his dark eyes showing, he smiled mildly and said in a gentler voice. "It's for the greater good, Mr Snape. You'll come to understand that. I want you to keep close tabs on your fellow classmates. Earn their trust, blend in, listen. Be one of them. I would want you to report to me about the things you see and hear among the Slytherins. Then I would also wish to meet you to discuss the next steps."

"What next steps?" Severus quickly interjected. He was as horrified as he was curious. To have a purpose, to have a set path and a mentor to help you along that path and to fulfil your purpose. That notion excited Severus and answered everything he'd been aimlessly looking for since he started using magic.

Dumbledore paused, contemplating his words. "You realize the gravity of what I'm asking of you Mr Snape? You will blend into the group, be one of them.  You can be sure that if your meetings with me were to come to the surface among your fellow students, or Merlin forbid, later on, people in higher ranks in the Dark Lord's command, the consequences could be drastic." He paused. Dread filled Severus as he fully understood what the old man was asking of him. "They could be lethal."

_No way - It can't be. I'm just-_

"There's no denying that many of your classmates are destined to be marked Death Eaters as soon as they step outside of this school after their studies here." Dumbledore's voice dropped and became very soft. He spoke as if nothing saddened him more, as if he took the destinies of the Slytherins as a personal loss. Severus realized that Dumbledore genuinely cared for his students. He wished for them to grow up, face obstacles but ultimately mature to make the right decisions and outgrow their weaknesses. He believed in them, even when they didn't have the slightest belief in themselves. Like he had faith in Severus right now. Severus felt his heart swell as it filled with pride of being a student of Dumbledore's, even helping his cause.

Dumbledore continued: "You are in a unique position and the opposition needs a man on the inside. In other words,  a spy."

Severus' jaw dropped. He could not believe his ears. 

_A spy._

_Me._

"And that's me? I'm- I'll never be able to do that! I can't-"

Dumbledore raised his hand and Severus fell silent. "You are, again, in a unique position, Mr Snape. But it does not come without danger, to be close to the Dark Lord is no easy task. An impossible one even. You'll need strength, skill and first and foremost cunning. But I can assure you Mr Snape that I'll do everything in my power to prepare you the best I can for this task."

Gobsmacked, he asked the only thing his numb self could: "How?"

Dumbledore rose from his seat and began pacing behind the desk. When he spoke, his voice was slow, deliberate, making sure that every word he spoke was fully understood and comprehended. "Lord Voldemort possesses many weapons, skills and tactics. When you defeat or configure one, three more dangerous, cunning and lethal rise at the same time. As for the man himself, he is a powerful Legilimens, that much I know." He stopped pacing, letting his words sink in and gazing at Severus over his gold-rimmed glasses. His blue eyes were serious, but seeking, checking if Severus was, could, keep up. 

Severus' blood went still at the word. 

_Legilimens._

"I assume from your expression that you know what I'm talking about. Luckily for our cause, there is a defence for legilimency and that it occlumency. An extremely advanced and difficult mind magic, but I believe you bear a natural orientation towards it, am I not right?" he leaned his head forward and the corners of his mouth curved and his eyes twinkled a bit.

Severus flushed up to the roots of his dark hair. He had semi-subconsciously been blocking the old man out of his head since he started school. He was always inclined to use it during those many visits to the infirmary and to the headmaster's office after nasty exchanges of hexes between hims and Potter and Black. Of course, Dumbledore never took his side when discussing those matters with him, which did not discourage Severus from using his occlumency against the Headmaster. He didn't know the name of the tactic, he only felt the strange feeling when he had met the Headmaster's brilliant blue eyes and immediately fell back into himself. Closed himself off from prodding eyes. It came as naturally as moving and breathing for him. He hadn't realized this was some special skill that he possessed. 

His ego inflated a bit. He could do something that not many other people could do. He was  _special_ , he was  _gifted_. His ego really did like those words.

"So that's why I'm more fit for this... job, than somebody else?"

Dumbledore sighed a little, "You do possess many valuable skills for this... job," he smiled before he continued. "But I really must apologize that I'm asking this of you, Severus. A boy of fifteen should not have to carry that weight of this twisted battle on his shoulders. After graduation might perhaps be a more fitting time-"

"No!" Severus jumped. "Why would you say that - you said that you'd - take me under your wing-" his eyes were wide, the whites around the black orb showing. His heart beat faster. He would not let this change of doing something useful, of being somebody of importance for the first time in his life, slip so easily out of his grasp.

He took a calming breath, trying to regain composition. "I think I can-... I can do it." For the first time since he sat down, he looked straight into Dumbledore's blue eyes and stayed there. He did not flinch he did not back away. It was a sign of trust and of submission. He was explicitly allowing Dumbledore to skim over his mind. He never allowed anyone that. Well, except for Lily of course.

"I'll do it," he said with as much conviction in his voice as he could muster. "If you'll have me."

At this Dumbledore laughed a little. "Oh yes my boy, I'll have you. Now, where should one start... ah yes, occlumency." He took a seat again behind the desk and began the first private lecture to prepare Severus for his assignment.Severus was dazed as he made his way through the castle one the lecture had concluded. Dumbledore had paused to look at one of the many, many clocks that ticked away in his office.

\---

Severus was dazed as he made his way through the castle one the lecture had concluded. Dumbledore had paused to look at one of the many, many clocks that ticked away in his office.

"Dearest me, Severus," he had exclaimed. "I'm afraid time has run quite a lot ahead of us. It's way past bedtime and I suggest that you take the shortest way to the dungeons or otherwise face detention from the prefects."

_This was. This was.... too... much..._

He ran, as far as he could. He needed to get out. He heard some noise behind him but didn't bother at turning around and make sense of it.

_This. Was. Too. Much._

He was thrilled, he was horrified. He had never felt so alive, but he had never felt his stomach twisting and turning like it did just now. It was like every single vein in his body was on fire and all the nerves aglow. He had never known such a strange combination of terror and elation, and how strangely they complimented each other.

As soon as the cool night air licked his cheeks he jumped into the nearest bush and emptied the insides of his stomach. Again and again, as if his body was trying to get rid of all this filth, these complications that had trust their ways into his being. 

He felt disgusting.

Gentle fingers held his long hair out of his face. He jumped at the soft touch.

Standing there, leaning towards him, in the moonlight, lovely as ever was his Lily, wearing an utterly shattered and worried look.

"Dearest God, Merlin, what did Dumbledore  _do_ to you Sev?" her voice was strange, like it was strained.

He didn't think. It was all too much.

He wanted to tell her everything. How mindblowing this all was. How excited he was. How scared and horrified he was. How his bones shook from hysteria.

Everything.

_This is too much._

He let out a sob and threw his arms around her. He buried his face in her hair and shoulder and cried silently. If it was out of bliss or fear he didn't know, most likely both. "What have we gotten us into Lily?" he muttered into her shoulder.

"Sev." She only said and wrapped her arms around his thin frame. 

He had grown quite a bit over the summer and was now a head taller than her. He had to lean forward into her warm embrace. Her back and sides under his fingers were so soft, nothing like his rib-probing self.

They held each other. That's all that they could at the moment. Be there for each other. 

He drew away from her, black hair hiding his face as he wiped his tears with the end of his sleeve. He smiled down at her, something he very rarely did. He almost never smiled as wide as he did now, not hiding his crooked teeth. He was elated. And standing there with Lily made everything a fraction easier. 

He could do it. 

They could do it.

And then he told her everything Dumbledore had told him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I'd love to hear what you think in the comments :) Next chapter is underway!


	4. Stolen Youth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is finally here! It was a monster to write, especially emotionally. Hope you guys like it!

****Afterwards, she sat there on a stone bench in the courtyard. The clouds had thickened during the evening and the air was damp and cold. It would rain soon. Lily sat there baffled and at loss for words. Head hung low and hands braced on the cold hard stone beside each side of her hips. Severus sat beside her, elbows on his knees and head equally hung. He'd calmed down and was quiet now.

"Lily, I don't think we can be friends anymore," he said. "At least not so the others see. If I go through with this, I have to convince them. We have to be friends in secret."

Lily's head snapped up at this. She squinted her eyes at Severus and took in his withdrawn and tired face. "Wait, wait, wait -  _Sev_. You can't let Dumbledore sacrifice you like that. You could get hurt. You could die! You never know what to expect when being around those people."

He leaned his head into his palms and gripped his hair, so tight that the bone shone through his knuckles. "Isn't he doing the same thing with you? Aren't you going on some Order missions, risking your life yourself!"

"That's not the same as becoming a-" she stuttered on the word. "A Death Eater."

Severus huffed. "Lily. This is the only thing I can do. And besides, that'll take years. Please, just let me be of use."

Lily had never felt as powerless as she did right at that moment. She thought that taking action against the Dark would empower her and make sure that her loved ones stayed safe. One of her most beloved ones was being sacrificed on a plate to the Dark Lord, right in front of her eyes. She took Severus' hand in hers. "Just, be safe," she whispered. The wind in the courtyard swept the words away from her lips. She said it, she thought it. The wind kept the words. Let them float in the breeze around them. She rested her forehead against his.

It had started raining.

"I'm scared, Sev."

"Me too."

\---

After their meetings with Dumbledore, they avoided each other. Severus convinced her that it would buy him some confidence within the Slytherin group.

Lily took the change with stoic calm. Honestly, she was annoyed. If she was going through the stages of grief, she was going through the anger stage at the breakfast table this morning. She was sleep deprived of worrying and studying late into the night, and the loud noise from the younger students around her was giving her murderous thoughts which she channeled into crushing her toast with her fork. Severus detachment from her side had brought unexpected and frustrating changes into her life. They were no longer partners in Potion classes, she managed fine on her own but her partner, a shy Slytherin girl, made the lessons a living hell. There were two, double potion classes a week, and Lily's partner hadn't uttered one word since they'd been partnered. And she moved like a sloth. Lily did all the work. Without Severus' brilliant intuition, she was actually struggling. She was good enough in Potions, but having to do all the work on her own without her best friend was proving to be a challenging task. It made her grind her teeth and she felt as if she was wasting her time.

She glanced up to look across the dining hall. She found a pair of black eyes looking at her through equally dark eyelashes. Something jumped in her stomach and her breath caught in her throat.

No - Sev was her  _friend_. She wasn't supposed to feel this way about him. Have these thoughts. She flicked her eyes annoyed back to her toast and the cooling porridge in front of her. She hung her head and rested her face in the palm of her hand. Her life was a mess.

What had been the shift? When had she started feeling like this? She couldn't deny the undeniable feeling of trust. But that's just how it is to have a best friend, right? She could tell him everything. He could criticise her or give her remarks but he'd listen. Really listen. Like nobody else. Still, he could be unfair at times and that wore her heart. They could bicker for  _hours._ But they always resolved it, one way or another. She thought of the recent weeks, before their meetings with Dumbledore. That had been a really tough time in their friendship and they were both prone to bite when the other provoked it. But they had gotten through it. And understood each other better now than ever.

She felt healthy. This friendship made her feel healthy and whole. Despite every other aspect of her life falling to pieces, she knew that her friendship with Sev was a stable constant. She felt as if she could look at Severus and see him, everything about him. No filters, no hidden thoughts, buried grunts and arguments and grudges. Just him.

Her heart leaped again.

"Oh, shut it you!" she said angrily and slammed her fork down on the plate.

But she couldn't stop the butterflies in her stomach. They had something private together. A secret mission - a purpose together. The thought of it made her smile and a warm feeling spread all over her chest.

\---

"Filthy Mudblood." as Lily passed Avery in the Great Hall, he had leaned down to hiss the two words in her ear. Lily sneered at him over her shoulder as he and Mulciber walked towards the dungeons. Lily needed to be strong. She knew that. The slurs had become more and more frequent, just as Severus seemed to fade away from her life.

Marlene wrapped her hand on her elbow and leaned against her. "Those vile creatures. You're better now though Lily. Now that you're no longer hanging around that Snape kid. I mean it, Lily," she emphasized, "I know you guys were childhood friends. But sometimes you have to cut out the toxic people from your life."

Lily looked into her dark, caring eyes. Her own glassed over and she whipped her head around, staring intently at the floor beneath their feet.

_Oh Mary, if only you knew._

Were they still even friends? She couldn't help it, she just felt jealous. Seeing Severus around his other friends. Seeing him laugh at their jokes. Seeing him talk to them. Seeing him lunge over the breakfast table to catch a paper Avery had snapped out of his hands, pointing his finger accusingly at the boy in question and then smacking Mulciber in the head with a rolled-up newspaper as he snatched his paper back. The group of boys laughed, including him, and Severus looked up over the hall straight at Lily. His smile faltered as their eyes met.

Lily felt a pang of guilt. She'd ruined his good mood. Just by her presence. Just by looking at him. Reminding him of his true mission. Perhaps the boys of his dorm had something Lily couldn't give. They were better for her. Severus wanted to be more part of a group. Feel like he belonged. And he belonged more to them than her.

The piled up dread set in her stomach. She wasn't surprised. It wasn't anything she hadn't seen coming. It felt as if her place in the universe had been carved in stone.

And it meant that she and Severus wouldn't, couldn't and shouldn't be together. 

**\---**

It was just before midnight on a cold December night, shortly before the Christmas exams when Sirius Black came running through the portrait entrance, flustered, panting and red in the face as he caught his breath. It looked like he had run all the way up from the dungeons. Lily and Marlene McKinnon had been doing some late night homework, but both stared at Sirius as he leaned against one of the armchairs with his hand. There were not many people in the common room at this hour, despite the exams being just around the corner.

"Jeez, Black - did you get chased by trolls across the castle or what?" asked Marlene, with a joking tone in her voice. Her smile faded quickly as Sirius looked up at her with both a shocked and pained expression. 

"Haven't you heard?" he asked between ragged breaths.

Lily's heartbeat in her ears. "No, what happened?" Her mind immediately went to James and Lupin, her fellow prefect.

"There was an explosion in London, just by the Leaky Cauldron, both wizard and muggle casualties. I was just with James to get some midnight snack from the kitchen when Peeves came up behind us and made so much noise that the whole castle probably woke up." There was a fiery bitter anger in his voice. "Anyhow, McGonagall was on patrol or something and at first I thought she was going to whoop our asses into the next millennium but  _surprisingly_  she said she was looking for us. But well truth be told, she didn't look exactly happy to see us with our arms full of snacks. But anyhow - And she told James about the explosion and that his parents had been rushed to St. Mungo's and it's just a fucking chaos, the whole front of the Cauldron is allegedly blown off and the Ministry is shitting their pants about exposure to the muggle community and James' parents are at the hospital and Death Eaters are thought to be behind the attack." He finished his rambling with a snarl.

Lily and Marlene just sat there baffled, eyes widening with every word Sirius spoke and mouths opening into a shocked gasp.

The coil in Lily's stomach doubled in size. She couldn't breathe. Her parents. Tunie. They were all in danger. No one was safe.  _Both wizard and muggle casualties._

_Sev._

The girls sat on the sofa across Sirius who had, not so gracefully draped himself all over the armchair he'd leaned against just moments ago.

"There have been attacks," Marlene began, thick, dark brows furrowed as she made sense of the situation. "But never this direct. At a group of people, and a group of wizards."

"Yeah, just shows how completely and uncontrollably and ridiculously fucked up and crazy these people are," Sirius bit out. He glanced at Lily who sat silently with her mouth twisted in a frown and hands folded in her lap. She saw some mean shine in Sirus' brilliant eyes. She had to admit that she saw how Marlene fawned over how handsome he was. But Lily felt uncomfortable under his gaze now, like he saw through her, saw everything, and not in a good way. He was accusing her. She felt dirty. 

"Bet your nasty little Slytherin friend knows all about it. Did he perhaps tell you about it after you sucked his cock? Bet he can't ever get that from anyone else."

Sirius with Remus and James was tame. 

Sirius with James was wild and impish.

But Sirius alone was just plain mean when none of his friends worked as a damper for him. 

Lily felt as she'd been struck, all of her insides turned to ice. Or was it fire. Lily couldn't tell. The only thing she knew was that there was no man on Earth that she disliked more than Sirius Black at this moment.

She stood up furious and held back the tears as she stood abruptly from the couch. She considered slapping him but had to hold her hand by her side with all her will. The only thing that she could do was grind out from between her teeth. "You are disgusting, Sirius Black, just like the rest of your Death Eater family."

She didn't know what made her say the last part. It just came, without a filter and thought. It was her true heart that spoke. She saw that she'd hit him below the waist with her words as she turned abruptly, gathered her books and scrolls and ran up to the girls' dormitory. Her tears fell silently in her pillow, her heart heavy with feelings and angst about things she couldn't talk to anyone about. That she had to hide and keep to herself. But the burden of t was so heavy, Lily thought she'd crumble under the weight of it all. 

Marlene came up in the room after a little while, Lily could hear their bickering muffled from downstairs. Lily heard Marlene come up to Lily's bed, but the curtains of her four-poster remained untouched and eventually, Lily heard her friend sigh and go to her own bed.

Lily was left alone.

\---

The Christmas exams came and went. Lily went home for the holidays with glee. She'd finally be able to distance herself from the eerie and dangerous atmosphere of the magical world. The looming power of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. She looked forward to sleeping in, staying in her pajamas all day and read late into the night. Severus always stayed at Hogwarts for the holidays, since their first year. Lily always went home. She missed him, but the comforted herself over the fact that he'd be able to focus fully on his mission of strengthening his bonds with the Slytherins that remained at school over the holidays.

On December 19th in Cokeworth, Lily received an owl, informing her of her first "extra lesson". She gulped. Of course, she wouldn't have any momentary escape from the war. It seemed absurd that she longed for an escape from the world that she had loved so dearly. The world she'd interrogated Severus about when they were children. The lines between the magical and the muggle world were fading, blurring. What she'd compartmentalized her whole life, was starting to blend far too much for her liking. 

She explained to her parents that Dumbledore had noted her good grades in school and offered her a special side-project. She'd get extra lessons scattered through the year and maybe, if successful, continue into the next remaining years at Hogwarts. Her parents were, of course, thrilled to hear of this and had no objections about driving her for a weekend to London. They stayed with her father's sister place, whose family had gone abroad for the holidays.  

The location of the first lesson was in an old neighborhood with tall, brick buildings that desperately needed maintenance, surrounded by streets of cobblestone. Her mother, that accompanied her, frowned as she looked at the house, but Lily convinced her that it was the correct one and that she'd be just fine. She knocked three times at the door with the flaky wooden front. The door opened on its own and Lily walked up to the fifth floor. 

There,  she was greeted by a man that she couldn't describe by any other means than "extreme". Everything from his scary, rough appearance to his way of scanning one up and down with his fake-eye. And there was something about his general aura. It wasn't just the fake-eye. It was his whole persona. She felt as if he could see through every crack in her brain. And if he didn't see the truth right now, he wouldn't stop until he'd dug it out, gone thoroughly through it and snooped around it. He introduced himself as Alastor Moody. 

After a thorough check over her with his eye, he announced in a course, raspy voice: "Dumbledore has tried to assure me of your exceptional brilliance. But out there," he pointed out the window, "books are of no use! It's all about the  _practicality_. So for the purposes of practicality, the first thing that you need to learn, it's absolutely vital, is apparition. I know that you aren't of age. But this is a risk we have to take, there is no time." He paced the floors, whilst talking. Steeled heels hitting the wooden floors, making the old timber crack. 

Lily couldn't move as he spoke. She stood in the middle of the room, wide-eyed and at attention. They wasted no time and went straight to work. 

Apparition was hard. Moody, as Lily found out, was not the best teacher, his instructions vague and more in the form of violent scolding at her mistakes and precautionary speeches about "Constant vigilance!"

But remarkably at the end of the hours and hours long lesson, when she was dizzy of spinning in circles all in vain, she managed to move one meter to the side, to the spot he'd allocated her to move. Moody walked hastily up to her, inspecting her thoroughly. With him so close up to her Lily saw every single tiny little scar on his face. The little specs in his eyes.

"Nothing seems to be out of place. You realize one thing , that this is illegal according to the idiots at the Ministry. They don't know what's at stake. So you'll keep quiet about this, understood Miss Evans?"

She nodded. A rush of excitement ran through her when she realized that she'd apparated. Really apparated!

He nodded back and said in his rough voice. "And congratulations on your improvement miss Evans. Apparition on your first lesson is almost unheard of and with no apparent damage. If you experience some strange discomfort immediately contact professor Dumbledore. Then that'll be all, the next lesson will be in Hodgemede, you'll receive an owl. Now off with you!"

And that was that. As she walked down to meet with her mother, Lily felt the warm rush of hope and positivity fill every crook in her body. She was one step closer to be a direct part of the action and to face the dangers that threatened her loved ones. She could apparate. She could apparate! She couldn't wait to tell, Severus about this. Oh, he'd be so jealous and would ask her through and through about her lesson with Moody-

Lily cut of her stream of thoughts. She gripped the old railing by the stairs to balance herself as the truth washed over her. She couldn't tell Sev. He was no longer a part of her life. They couldn't talk. The bleak reality of the situation made Lily's stomach twist and turn.

It was at moments like these when Lily missed Severus the most. 

She looked up and willed the tears in her eyes to fall back before she drew in a large breath, and exited the old house and faced the bright day outside.

\---

This was it. The final semester before the OWLs. Everything before this semester had really been a joke. The teachers wasted no time, loading homework and revision of the materials of the past years. Lily practically lived in the library after the holiday break. She couldn't focus though. It was as if her mind was completely out of shape. But she also felt like there was a gap in her side. As if something was missing. It was Severus. Severus was missing. It was hard sitting alone at the table in their corner, struggling through her notes and textbooks. Lily buried these thoughts deep within her. In a secret, hidden corner that she'd dedicated to Severus. Where all her feelings were buried.

Things were different now as the cold January winds swept over the highlands. He didn't even glance at her across the Great Hall at the breakfast, lunch or dinner times. He took his resolution seriously to keep their friendship a secret. Not a single glance. It was as if they had never known each other. They passed each other on the corridors, surrounded by friends from different houses. Their shoulders would brush as they passed. His indifference hurt.

One evening right after dinner, she was alone in the hallway by the library, balancing a dozen or so books in her arms. Her mind was preoccupied with what she needed to in this late night study session. She passed some students and accidentally bumped shoulders with one of them, so all the books in her arms fell on the floor. She swept down to pick them up. She noticed a pair of black shoes standing by her. She looked up to see Severus towering over her. He'd gotten tall. Really tall. When had this happened? Why hadn't she noticed? Her mouth fell open as she fought her mind about what to say. His eyes were closed off. She couldn't read his face. He was completely different. Black eyes, frozen black ice. 

A movement to the right caught Lily's eyes. There Severus' group of friends stood there, wearing cruel, arrogant looks on their faces. Their lips were drawn back to reveal mocking grins.

"Old habits die hard," said one of his friends, Mulciber and barked out a laugh.

Severus shoved him and the group continued down the hall. Severus never looked back at her. Tall frame hunched in the middle of the group, silent while the other boys loudly laughed and made cruel jokes.

Lily bit her bottom lip and worried it between her teeth. She quickly gathered her books and entered the library. She sat down at her usual table with a huff. The outside was dark but the library filled with warm candlelight, emphasizing the dark corners between the shelves. She didn't open her books yet. She just sat, with her eyebrows drawn and looked with a frown on the table in front of her, eyes not seeing, as she was lost in her own world.

Severus had been complete radio silence. And that worried Lily. She knew he had to be like that. For the cover. She knew that. But it hurt. She missed her best friend. She missed their late night study sessions, his witty responses and sarcastic jokes, his dry humor, his laughter and when he occasionally snorted as he laughed. And how his lips drew back during those rare and special and precious moments when he'd show his crooketh teeth, which he usually tried to cover up by giving her a tight-lipped smile or putting up his usual scowl. So when he grinned ear to ear, while glancing at her from underneath his eyelashes. She missed him. He'd always keep with her whining. No matter how annoying or pissed off she was, he always listened to her. When Marlene sighed and told Lily to get over herself, Severus would sit silently beside her and let her vent her heart out. 

The sparks from the candle on her table flickered, with a slight sparking sound. The light washed over her face. Illuminating it. Forming the shadows, highlighting her furrowed brows. Her eyes were dark. They were sad. She'd never felt this alone.

She'd never truly appreciated Severus. It wasn't until now that she truly understood how she'd taken his friendship for granted. How good he'd been to her, for her. How he made her better. How he seemed to balance her out. He'd take all her venting without blinking an eye. And how she did it for him when he felt as if he were about to burst. How they took each other's negative energies into themselves, to balance each other out. Like water flowing between them. Crossing their bond, their friendship.

She missed him.

\---

And suddenly the OWLs hit. There was no more time for revising or studying into the night. Lily felt as if she was slowly losing her mind. Noticing her, quite honestly, terrible appearance. Marlene dragged Lily with her down to the lake after the Defence Against the Dark Arts exam. Lily's hair was tangled, and her complexion was pale and the dark circles under her eyes seemed to go on for days. The sun and the cold water at her feet felt so nice after the year. It was such a nice change. Soon Lily felt herself smiling and laughing from her heart once again. Her heart hadn't felt so light in what seemed like ages. The blue sky lifted her soul up from the depths it had fallen over the course of this year.

Loud voices and laughter to Lily's right drew her attention. Peter Pettigrew was having a laughing fit as she watched James Potter and Sirius Black point their wands at a black figure crawling on the ground. Lily immediately realized what was happening and jumped out from the lake, disregarding her socks and shoes and dashed barefoot up the small hill to where the pair of Gryffindor boys were. Dumbledore and the Dark Lord be damned. This was her best friend.

James spoke, "You should clean your mouth with some soap, ey Snivellus?  _Scourcify_!"

Pink bubbles filled Severus' mouth and he choked, not able to catch his breath. He was asphyxiating. Panic rose in Lily's chest and she saw red. 

"Leave him ALONE!"

She took a stance between Severus and the boys. James hand had gone to his hair and ruffled it. Lily felt disgusted. 

"Leave him alone, what has he ever done to you?" she looked at James with clear distaste. Out of her eye, she could see Sirius looking at her with the same look, his face twisted in a frown

"Oh, I'll leave him alone alright, if you'll go out with me Lily. Then I'll never bother good ol' Snivellus ever again."

Lily's blood boiled. "I wouldn't go out with you even if I had to choose between you and the giant squid!"

Suddenly a gash appeared on James' cheek. Lily looked over her shoulder to see Severus lying on the ground point his wand at James. He had a mad glint in his eyes. Before Lily could say or do anything, she heard James utter a spell and all of the sudden Severus flew up in the air as if something pulled him up by his ankles. His robe fell down with the gravity, revealing his pale, skinny legs and gray underpants. 

The crowd that had gathered around them burst out laughing. James, Sirius, and Peter wailed of glee, like a bunch of hyenas. 

"Put him down," shouted Lily.

"No problem," said James and with a flick of his wand, Severus fell harshly to the ground.

Sirius pointed his wand and Severus and said: "Petrificus Totalus!" And Severus became stiff as a stick.

Lily's wrath was boiling over, she drew her own wand and pointed at the boys. "LEAVE HIM ALONE!" 

James and Sirius gave her a pointed look. Then James canceled the spell on Severus, who rose to his feet as quick as he could.

"There," James said. "You were lucky that Lily was here to save your ass, Snivellus-"

For the first time, Severus had the chance to speak and his words were filled with humiliation and anger. Severus looked her in the eye. Just a flicker of a second. She saw so many layers. His anger at Potter, his anger at Dumbledore and his anger at life. "I don't need any help from a disgusting Mudblood like her."

Lily blinked. It hurt. Like an utter blow in the gut. Then she felt poison fill her veins. "Fine, then I'll leave it in the future. And I'd wash my pants if I were you,  _Snivellus_." She was so angry, so frustrated and humiliated.

James raised his wand at Severus. "Apologize to Lily!"

"You're  _no_  better than him! Your constant bragging is infuriating, waltzing along the halls with that  _stupid_  lightning and putting spells on everyone that annoy you. I despise you."

At that Lily stormed away. 

She hated boys. They were the sole reason for all her suffering. She couldn't take it anymore. This was too much. She couldn't do it.

 


	5. Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't resist posting this bit, I wrote it months ago and I can finally share it with you guys. Hope you enjoy!

Lily sat alone in a cart on the Hogwarts Express home. She had already changed into her Muggle clothing, ready for this year to be over as soon as possible. The train had just left the Hodgemead station. She toed off her boots and set her feet up on the seat and wrapped her arm around her knees as she leaned against the window. Her pale face reflecting in the glass. She felt tired, oh, so tired. Her red hair fell in waves over her black woollen turtleneck. Her eyelids felt heavy and the regular rhythm of the train was hypnotizing. 

There was a quiet knock on her door. Before she could address it, the door slid open. 

Severus stood there. Still in his robe. The ever-present crease between his eyes. And a worried look in his black, bottomless eyes.

"Lily, can I talk to you?"

Lily slammed back against the window and mumbled,  "Go away, Sev." The landscape was a beautiful mix of greens, as the train passed forests and fields. The sun was shining high up on the sky, white light on the beautiful blue sky. It was such a nice day out, why couldn't Lily just be let be. 

"Please, just let me explain," Severus insisted.

"You've done enough of that already, so save your breath."

"Can I at least sit with you?"

"Won't your Death Eater friends miss you?" she couldn't keep the toxic jealousy out of her voice. 

"They're not you."

Maybe it was because she was so tired. Maybe it was because she was so absolutely done with fighting. Maybe it was because she missed him. Missed having his presence around her. Missed having him. Whatever the reason was, she mumbled a small: "Fine."

It wasn't much. But it was the start of a long and painful process for them to lick each other's wounds.

Severus, obviously feeling relieved, slid the door shut and sat on the opposite side of Lily. He sported similar dark circles as Lily. His black hair seemed even more matte than usual and his cheeks were sunk in. If Lily wasn't mistaken he had a few dark whiskers on his top lip. The thought stirred something deep in Lily's stomach.

Neither of them said anything for a while. Then he broke the ice.

"How did your OWLs go?"

"Fine. Yours?"

"Fine."

More silence. Lily couldn't take it anymore, feeling the question burn up her throat and emerge. "What did you say was the best substitute for a Moonstone?"

"Watergrass."

"Oh, bloody hell."

Severus laughed and the tension became tenfolds lighter. "What did you answer?"

"Sunshine grass, I knew I had something wrong."

Severus laughed again but just looked down at his hands. Lily caught her chance to vent.

"You know why this happened? It's because of that awful partner of mine, Tilly or Tabby or Titty or-"

"Thea," Severus offered.

"Whatever, that girl hasn't said a word, not a word Severus, since we started! I've had to do practically everything myself!"

"That and you didn't have my brilliant brainpower to help you out," Severus snickered. "Ow!" he added when Lily kicked him in the shin. She couldn't suppress her smile. Oh, how she had missed this.

"What about History of magic, Sev? How'd you do in that?"

"Oh, please, don't rub it in. I'll be lucky if I get an 'Acceptable'."

"You'll get a full set of O's and you know it. Don't drag yourself down like that."

"Listen, Lily. I know things haven't been the best between us. But I miss you so much. Can't we just leave that fifth year behind and have a normal summer like always. There'll be no Slytherins and no... Gryffindors," he ground out.

Everything was a mess within Lily, her emotions a scramble. Still, there was still a tiny little reasonable part left alive in her.

"Yes, Sev." They had a calm, peaceful quiet. Lily laughed. "Let's never, ever repeat that fifth year, Sev. Let's never think about it ever again, it's in the past. Promise?" She held out her pinky. He smiled warmly and crooked her pinky with his. 

"Promise."

\---

Severus wished he could stay in Hogwarts over the summer. But he was boarded on the train like every other student.

In a neglected backyard at Spinner's End in Cokeworth, a small  _crack_  sounded, barely noticeable. Could've been a bird flying by or a crack in a branch on one of the tall, old trees. 

Severus' mother had apparated them to their neglected backyard, a small patch of grass surrounded by a decaying fence. His mother's old flower bed was covered with weeds and the grass had grown unhindered for many years.

The mother and son remained silent as Eileen opened the back door quietly and silently they entered the washing room that lead to the backyard. There was a peculiar smell in the air, a heavy, damp smell. Like the windows hadn't been opened in many years. The black and white tiles on the floor had a greyish brown murk covering them. On the shelves and cupboards was a thin layer of dust. Greyish and spotty bedsheets hung on a string that ran across the room. Severus' felt the finality of being home for the summer hit his heart full force.

Eileen said: "There'll be soup, be there." Then she disappeared into the kitchen, straight to the left as she exited the washroom. Further down the hall to the left was the living room. Severus avoided that room as far as he could. The house was small, the front hall narrow, the kitchen/living room and the steep staircase to the left, that lead to the second floor. Under the staircase, there was a cupboard.

Severus carried his trunk up the steep and narrow staircase up to his room. There were only three rooms. To the left, a small bathroom, further down the hall to the left his parents' bedroom and the straight across that, his own bedroom. It was small, the steep slope of the room making it appear even smaller. His bed was under that slope and he'd hit his head more than once and twice when he'd abruptly woken up from a nightmare. 

He laid his trunk down and threw himself on the bed. The lumpy mattress groaning and protesting under his weigh. 

He laid there in the silence. Not thinking. Not worrying. Not planning thoroughly his next steps and moves.

He just was.

He closed his eyes. The rest a welcome change to the routine he'd adapted to over the year.

He breathed in the musky scent of his room and sighed.

As much as he hated being stuck in this house over the summer, not being able to use magic, it would maybe be tolerable compared to the stress that he had to endure at school, balancing the OWLs, the tactical networking in Slytherin, the draining private occlumency lessons with Dumbledore and his friendship with Lily.

_Lily._

Just her name made the corners of his thin lips curve upwards. His chest filled with a delightful warmth as he remembered their peacemaking in the Hogwarts Express. They were finally on good terms again. They'd joked just like old times. Severus couldn't be thankful enough for the resolved tension. How he could talk to his best friend once again. How they'd gotten over that... incident. His stomach twisted in guilt and shame. He buried his face in his dusty pillow as if that would hide him from his sins. 

But they'd for some miracle managed to bridge that gap that had formed between them. The warmth in his chest spread down and wrapped around the toxic guilt and shame, untangling the negative feelings and filling them instead with light and hope. At the prospect of a whole summer with Lily, his Lily. Just the two of them. Sure there'd be no magic. But they'd still have all those warm summer days all to themselves. Their own private paradise.

It was strange to think of this rotting old part of town that Severus called home,  a paradise, as that it had caused him so much suffering and pain throughout his life, giving him enough nightmare material for years. But in comparison to the dreadful year that just passed, he couldn't think of Cokeworth in anything else but in a positive light.

\---

Severus and Lily quickly and easily fell into a routine. They'd meet up soon after breakfast, if the weather was good they'd stay outside in their meadow preferably, and if the weather was bad they'd hole up in Lily's house. Severus couldn't help but feel her parents' negative feelings towards him as if he was an unwanted guest in their house. They'd be polite enough, but have a strange look on their face and give icy responses. Whenever he mentioned this to Lily she just shrugged it off and told him he was just shy.

Lily herself had been acting strangely. Sometimes when he looked up he'd meet her gaze, as if she'd been watching him. Then she usually blushed and turned away. Sometimes she acted awkward and shy around him, which baffled him. Did she feel uncomfortable around him after what he said? He thought they were past it, that they'd buried it in the past. He hoped so...

It was a couple of weeks into the summer break and it was a glorious, dry and sunny day out. The grass underneath them was luscious and green and soft. Bees were buzzing around the dandelions around them, minding their business as they buzzed from flower to flower. The buzz of their wings was a soothing sound in the background. A breeze blew over the meadow, rustling the leaves on the trees and the tall grasses around them. Severus lay, propped up on his elbows. He had acquired a new black t-shirt this spring but his corduroy pants once belonged to his father. He'd always felt embarrassed of his Muggle clothing, especially when he'd been younger. But Lily had always been nonchalant about it. Around her, he never felt his poverty was his fault or a terrible flaw. He felt good around Lily, simple as that. And there in the meadow, with his chin pointed up towards the sun and eyes closed, he drank in everything. This was life. 

Lily huffed irritably beside him. He peered open one eye. She sat crossed legged facing him. Her head hung and she viciously picked a straw of grass apart. Her red hair was flowing freely over her naked shoulders, who were covered in freckles in the summer rays. Her hair was a beautiful contrast to the blue straps of her summer dress. She was so beautiful.

She looked up from her hands at him, a strange glint in her eyes and lips pressed together. A crease formed between her eyes and she looked positively anguished. 

He sat up, alarm forming a knot in his stomach. He mirrored her position in front of her and asked quietly: "Lily, what's wrong?"

She drew in a breath and quickly said: "Sev, can I try something?"

Now his brows furrowed: "Try what?" he asked confused.

She didn't answer right away instead it was as if she stilled. And as if she concentrated on something.

"Can I?" It was barely a whisper carried by the wind. Her eyes flickered to his lips, her own parting slightly. Before Severus could wrap his mind around the situation, she brought her lips to his. It happened so suddenly that Severus didn't process it until he felt a strange sensation on his own lips. Lily's were soft,  _really_  soft. And actually kind of nice.

It wasn't anything more than a peck really. Lily soon pulled away with a little "smooch" sound. A new, unfamiliar noise. Everything was new and unfamiliar. New sensations.

Severus didn't dare do anything but shyly raise his eyes to meet Lily's. There was a swirl of something in them. In his mind, Severus snorted a little when he saw her grazing the same look that she wore when faced with homework that she didn't understand. Her brows furrowed in concentration, it was an equation that she didn't understand or managed to figure out now but she was resolved to solve it.

She closed her eyes and leaned again in, he closed his eyes as well, welcoming her touch. There was more initiative from both sides on their second kiss. The first one had really been just straight lips touching, Lily's had pecked his. But this time they both leaned into each other, drawing their lips and lingering on each other. Then Lily's lips started moving, soft, sliding against Severus'. The peck earlier hadn't been that alien, but this was a completely foreign feeling. Different from everything else he'd experienced. He didn't know what to do and stiffened a little. Was he supposed to open up more, where was his tongue supposed to be?

In short, it was an immensely awkward kiss. Both focused on the movement of their lips, concentrated on the action, rather than losing themselves in the feeling. Awkwardly Lily pulled away from the kiss, neither sure how or when to stop. Her lips were twisted in a strange way and she looked up from under her eyelashes at Severus.

 _Oh, bloody hell, she's disgusted, well-done idiot_ , Severus' self-destructing thoughts emerged like a flood. Panic and humiliation rising up in his throat as he was utterly disappointed in himself.

Lily only snorted and started a laughing fit. Clutching her stomach and lifting her head to laugh an open, deep-throated laugh.

Severus drew his eyebrows together and looked at her with large eyes, giving him the utter expression of a lost puppy, as he looked confused at her. "What is it?"

Lily couldn't help the laughter erupting from her chest. "This is so strange. Is this what all the fuss is about?" Seeing his hurt expression she quickly changed tactics. "No, no I don't mean like that - you were good, it's just it's so strange. Like just, the feeling, you know?" Her eyes opened wide in curiosity and bewilderment about this new phenomenon that she'd just discovered.

Rather relieved that she wasn't outright disgusted like he'd feared. He said, "Yeah, it's strange."

A pause, before he said: "It was bloody awful, actually."

"Yes, it was."

They both laughed, flicking eyes occasionally at each other and giggling once more.

Lily looked shyly at him and leaned a bit forward, warm breath flowing over Severus' cheek. "You mind if we try again? I want to get it right."

A smile tugged at Severus' corners of lips. They were really close, he felt the warmth radiate from her skin. He sighed, closed his eyes once again and gave himself to her. Leaned in, lips open, inviting. They met again, a little peck, lingering. Lily drew back to shift their heads and pecking him again on the lips, and again, each time her lips falling a bit more open, the kiss getting sloppier. Severus felt a tongue shooting out from her mouth and stroking his lips. He opened up for it, letting it explore his mouth. He felt Lily hesitate, not knowing what to do. He pulled back a bit, their faces really close.

"You didn't like it?" Lily asked in a hushed, low voice. He laughed a bit in response, took her head in his hands. He wanted to take it slow, letting themselves get comfortable, and do it because they wanted to, to explore and try it out with a person they trusted wouldn't laugh at them or anything else and felt at ease with. He wanted Lily to feel good. He smiled as he leaned in to kiss her forehead, softly lingering, breathing in the scent of her hair. He kissed her temple, the tip of her nose, the corner of her lips. Lily drew in a sharp intake of a breath and plunged into his lips when they met. Massaging his lips with more feeling than before, clearly more confident now. Letting her tongue lick his, as they both opened up to each other. Upper bodies swaying and curving into each other. Severus lowered his hand to the back of her neck, dragging her closer to him, more, more.

Their tongues were now exploring at their own will, lips sucking.

This, as Severus had discovered, felt really nice.

Slowly they drew away from each other, sucking and licking minimalizing into wet pecks and gentle caressing, there was no hesitation, second-guessing now, they felt immensely comfortable with each other. Albeit the passion of the kiss, Severus felt a great warmth for his friend. Like his platonic feelings had increased and intensified. But what platonic friends kissed, and what platonic friends kissed like  _that_?

It felt nice... immensely nice. And it felt like the most natural thing in the world to do. That's all he could describe it as. He felt like he was falling into his friend, into the warm presence of her soul, like they were taking care of each other, trusting each other more than ever, it didn't mean anything more. It just was. Even though he really shied away from physical contact, didn't know how to act in hugs, didn't like hand contacts and almost never initiated it.

Lily smiled into the fading kiss as Severus gave her one final peck.

Severus waited a moment before saying, "This, on the other hand, was much better."

Lily smiled satisfied with a sated smile and closed eyes.

They lay in the grass, legs facing the opposite ways but heads in the crook of each other's neck.

"If you could go anywhere - where would you go?"

"Here."

"I wish I could fly."

"Me too"

"I like this, laying, just staring, being with each other."

"Me too."

And at that moment, Severus Snape discovered the true meaning of paradise.


End file.
